Feeling that you need to try to do many things, or everything, perfectly can impair your ability to enjoy your life. Yet people who are perfectionistic often don’t recognize the degree to which striving for perfection is a problem, because they use the rationale that it’s a good thing to do your best as much as possible. It’s true that motivation to do well is important in achieving a good life, but the problem comes in when there’s no such thing as good enough.

Perfectionism is directly connected to self-esteem. When someone has a reasonable degree of self-confidence, he or she can use that confidence to move forward in life and take set-backs in stride without feeling that they are indications of fundamental flaws. Without that sense of security, a person may feel that it is necessary to do things perfectly, in the impossible quest for reassurance. Ultimately, that reassurance never comes, because it is always possible to find fault with an effort, and perfectionists always do.

Some people may show perfectionism by trying always to have the “best” of everything. These individuals are worried about what other people think of them, and they believe that if only they have the best career, most attractive spouse, most enviable lifestyle, etc., it will be proof to others, and then to themselves, that they are all right. Unfortunately, this attempt at self-reassurance does not work very well, because what brings satisfaction in life is not a feeling of achieving perfection. It is a sense of self-confidence about being able to weather the ups and downs that life brings, having meaningful work, and having loving relationships. When these capacities are missing, all the striving for perfection in the world will not make for a good life.

At the root of perfectionism is usually an early experience in life of not enough reassurance and encouragement, possibly combined with implied or directly stated criticism, blame, or punishment. This kind of start in life, which may even come from well-meaning parents, fosters a feeling of insecurity and the fantasy in the child that if only he or she can do things just right, the parent will be happy, will show love, or will stop the criticism. The child grows up needing evidence from other people of her worth, because she doesn’t have an inner sense of being good enough as she is. But no matter how much positive feedback is received, the need is never satisfied, and the insecurity remains.

What can be done if you are a perfectionist and would like to be able to feel confident about yourself without the constant striving for assurance from others? Psychotherapy can address the underlying issue of lack of self-confidence or low self-esteem. This is usually not achieved quickly, because the origin of these feelings was so early in life. Working with a therapist who can get to the underlying cause of the problem and work this through with you is important, because it will not be enough to have someone offer words of reassurance. A therapist who can connect your current thoughts and feelings with the root of the problem can help you move toward a healthier feeling about yourself and a more satisfying life.

Dr. Jordan specializes in treating anxiety, stress, trauma, and self-esteem problems, through a personalized therapeutic plan. With over 16 years experience and training, she can help you achieve a sense of well-being and satisfaction with yourself, your relationships, and your life.

By Margaret Jordan, PhD
June 14th 2009

Source: http://www.drmargaretjordan.com

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